How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
