i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
