I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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