oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
