I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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