Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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