what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
