Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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