she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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