He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
