I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
