we have pet lesbian snakes
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
