its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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