I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
