So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
