Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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