i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
