Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
