drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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