The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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