So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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