I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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