the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
