If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
