seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
sarcasm needs its own font
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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