At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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