I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
