I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
