I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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