yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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