How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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