Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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