Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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