i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
