Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
