Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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