So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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