im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
