are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
