I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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