if you like me you must not know who I am
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
