I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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