I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
