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No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
