R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
