sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
