remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
