I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
