it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
