We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
