your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
